( IX ) One Love?

Of all the things in life that we accomplish on a daily basis or on a long term trajectory, whether it is as important as a meaningful life goal or being able to CC (crouch cancel) on tekken [I still can't *sadface*], some of us sometimes spend time to reflect on these things. To critically assess, analysis and improve or fix the process or situation. Sometimes, we choose not to and sometimes the stress builds up. Then crack... s**t hits the fan.


I am at one of those points again in my life. I prefer to not let the whole world know every single detail of my pathway through this "over-rated and profitable word", not cause it's long and tedious, not cause I found those parts embarrassing, but more so I rather hit the point and get this pathetic outburst over and done with.


When Jon invited me to join the list of people to manage this blog and I gladly accepted with happy intentions to reflect on a positive note, cause I thought I could learn from others and I like the colour green as you see. However, truth be told, I don't think I can be positive about adolescents anymore. Even though green symbolised peace and crap that's environmentally friendly, I don't think this blog will be positive at all.

Random Note: I am a hypocritcal douchebag. I am in my last year of teens. Excuse my fail.


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Love for me, was never defined properly or probably defined to much? We all have our own definitions, but I thought it was a "universal language"... At least that's what everyone keeps telling me. Friends say they love me and I say it back to them too, but I never truly thought they ever meant it at all. Maybe it was cause it was my insecurities or maybe I just never trusted anyone in my life, in relation to the L word. Then again, that word seems to be thrown down and around like a salting your food.

I never knew what it was like to define my own, because mine, was just an unknown.

My story started in high school, as most teenagers seem to have these days. Stories...

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Open day.

My mum points to a girl across the court: "Go talk to her!"

"I rather not mum... what are you crazy?"

Thought I was safe from mum trying to make me talk to girls on that comical day.

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We ended up in the same class.

And became friends.

A friend indeed, with her tips in maths and conversations about intense HK dramas during lunch.

The only girl who sat next to me, for when I wasn't popular, sociable, or even as open as I am now.

Funnily enough, I came to like her over that year eight of mine.

Of all the peers, I gradually made friends with over my secondary years, J was one of the few people, who could connect to me, on a certain level that no one could. She gave me a sense of acceptance that only I could tell that was completely genuine. Even my flaws, were things that she deemed to be bad habits or otherwise changeable or minor bumps in ones' personality.

What was weird to me, is that I don't even know her that well, compared to me knowing "alot" about my "friends" nowadays, and her deepest secrets, I know...

None... but I understood since I was a scorpio too. It looks like as if I was trying to pry into her life, but realistically I thought, telling one's own darkest truths, warranted the respect at least to shed some light onto her life, as a "friend". Also, being a scorpio, we tend to delve into the darkness to find treasures or even monsters, just to see or just to know about.

But she. I don't know. She was basically a puzzle to me over the years, a 1000 piece puzzle, missing a few hundred, prior to opening the package.

I asked her out three times, in total, over the six years. I changed to my true self, which was similiar to me now, the second time. Rigged and always in control she was, no matter how hard I tried to manipulate her mind this time, she was always strong and didn't let me in.

I changed back. I tried to part ways as friends which a gradution/friendship gift. She didn't accept.

The last time, I asked her, was the most futile, most obtuse angle of my life. I spanned myself so far, on the edge of my utmost boundaries, just to seek something I could never have.

She never answered the phone.

Just like most emotional teenager's nowadays, sliding into the university lifestyle, being accepted by peers, coping with lame chinese restaurant work, the stress and emotions, got to me.

I attempted suicide.

Of all the things, one could do, I always tried to do better, but this wasn't it. I was scared, actually petrified at the idea of feeling unimaginable pain, if my contraption failed.

It failed. Luckily enough, He was on my side and was always looking out for me.

I became Christian.

Another two years passed.

Life for me started. For real this time. For cereal~

Changes occurred. From friend-whore to a friendly Ho over these 2 years.

This year topped them all. 2010

A friend ~ R asked me, in May, "What happened?"

"What?" I questioned.

"You've changed so much since, January."

"You can see?"

I realised that only my brothers and sisters saw these changes. Not just me deciding to stop gaming hardcore or clubbing forever for that matter, but more so the internal and characteristic changes within my individuality as a bro. I said brothers and sisters before, because I find the term, friend insufficient. Certain "friends" of mine have corrupted the definition of "friend" to me and so I switched to using familial terms. Just like many other asians. Stereotypes... pffft.

"Love" filled the cracks of all the giant rocks and minerals that gradually filled my jar of 6 months this year. All around me, just like Mr. Pancake [Jon], I saw love around me too.

Or what many people deemed to be love, apparently.

Over the months it was quite amusing playing cupid, and advising friends in common procedural sense, in handling relationships , since I just experienced my first relationship only three weeks ago.

Like Vlad, one of my soulmates, I give my "friends" my all. Even in relationships, since they start off being "friends" right? Ha~
Being my first relationship, I had to make sure if she was the one, what set her apart from everyone else, but we went too fast and things began to cycle into the "honeymoon period". As some of my companions tell me. This was something quite distressing, not only did I realised how hypocritical I was, in terms of giving relationship advice, when crazy people ask me; for me to not implement them in real life, is quite fail. Another thing that stopped me was because I found out a hidden truth.

In everything I do now, I do it for the love of God. Over the years, many have helped me and I have come to known this love. This fatherly love cannot be rivaled any other. Especially this addicting, lustful and unfaithful feeling we all seem to feel at some point and let loose havoc on our lives.

You readers maybe feel the toll of my negative tone towards this powerful mood, but don't be peturbed from searching your own, it's just me, not you.

Eight years, I took to realise that I never got over J.


My skills in denial were even greater than my skills at attracting the ladies, nah I'm only joking, more like better than me trying to be lame~ lol

I never got over J, because I never truly knew why she rejected me.

I also believe that in one life there can only be one love and one death.

But was that love?

This is my problem.


What's yours?