( XXII ) Always on my mind

You're always on my mind.
Even when I have no reason to think about you
you're still loitering in my mind.

Right now thou, is the perfect time to think about you.

The night is dark. I am sitting in the sun room.
The curtains pulled open and the moon shining in.
The windows open and the coolest spring breeze drifts across my lap.
Listening to David Usher's Black Black heart on repeat.

I wish you were here with me.
I wish you were lying next to me.
I wish you were breathing on me.
I wish you were holding me.
I wish you were real...

( XXI ) Love Changes Everything

Love, love changes everything
Hands and faces, earth and sky
Love, love changes everything
How you live and how you die
Love, can make the summer fly
Or a night seem like a lifetime
Yes love, love changes everything
Now I tremble at your name
Nothing in the world will ever be the same

Love, love changes everything
Days are longer, words mean more
Love, love changes everything
Pain is deeper than before
Love will turn your world around
And that world will last forever
Yes love, love changes everything
Brings you glory, brings you shame
Nothing in the world will ever be the same

Off into the world we go
Planning futures, shaping years
Love bursts in and suddenly all our wisdom disappears
Love makes fools of everyone
All the rules we made are broken
Yes love, love changes everyone
Live or perish in its flame

Love will never never let you be the same
Love will never never let you be the same

Love changes everything

-Michael ball

( XX ) Being True

To me, true love isn't that one in 6 and something billion that is the 100% perfect match to you.
Its a state of love.

Statistically 6 billion people is no where enough for 1 perfect match to exist, there are so many qualities, features, personalities to go through, to choose from, to enjoy and love.
Instead, it's your job to remember that perfect only exist in a theoretical realm and in this world we call practical reality there will always be errors. Quite simply thou, its because of these errors that such simply thing can be so magnificent and beautiful.

Now, the body; True Love To Me.

You cannot find a true love, because true love exist within ourselves. Instead of looking for true love out there why not have a look inside ourselves and realize that this force that everyone looks for and wants is anything we can make or want it to be. True love isn't a person, its that way that you treat the one you are with. To overlook the flaws, to forgive and learn from the mistakes, to treasure what you have, and to simply adore.
In every relationship you have that beginning where everything in the world is perfect, you look into their eyes and you just want them forever. Then comes the first fight and now your world is shattered and you realize that maybe this isn't the utopia that your heart thought it was.
Now, here's the hard part, are you ready?

Getting over it,
learning that we live in reality and fights do happen, and after each its suppose to bring us closer together, make us stronger, and love even more. This last part, the love even more, this is where many go wrong, they are so consumed by the negatives that the positives are now a distant memory in the back of a storage shed. This is when you think, maybe this isn't true love? If you've thought this, then you are doing it WRONG! True was that feeling you had back in the beginning of the relationship, if you can remember that, and live that again through out the entire relationship, then you are experiencing true and I congratulate you!

BUT
True love is a sensation, its a state, an emotion, a mental place, a imaginary story, a fairytale that you can share with anyone.
In most relationships its quite simply that you take true love for granted and get too comfortable, you forget reality and expect it to be perfect everyday. You become oblivious to it, spending to much time thinking about him/her, instead of thinking about we/us. It becomes so far from your mind that you can't ever get it back again, and that's when a relationship loses its spark and withers, dies, and turns to bitter black ash.

Retrieval. A HOW TO GUIDE
The only known way of reviving true love is falling in love. When you fall in love, the only thing that can save you is its older brother true. True love will venture out of his deep dark abyss and extend a hand to help love back up, but then that's where you can bring life back into it. You are able to slowly warm up its icy heart and melt away the dirty water. You can grab its attention, make it smile, and laugh. Take it up and return it back into a functional part of you.


That warm fuzzy feeling you get, that's when true love giggles. When you just feel like smiling, that when true love smiles, when all that's on your mind is that one that you've fallen for, that true love shouting his/her name at the top of its voice!

Remember: Love is one of the most pure emotions that exist in this hectic life of our, what we perceive to be real love might differ, but you must remember that love still has a twin called lust, although similar, lust is purely in the mind where love is in the heart. ALL love is true.

( XIX ) Ponder

This - All At Once by The Fray

There are certain people you just keep coming back to
She is right in front of you
You begin to wonder could you find a better one
Compared to her now she's in question

Looking for the right one you line up the world to find
Where no questions cross your mind
But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt
Much longer for you to sort it out

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it maybe you need it,
Maybe it's all you're running from,
Perfection will not come

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes we'd never know what's wrong without the pain
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

And This

Now that I never saw her
She was always looking at me.
Her almond eyes held me, hooks in my heart
It sickened me and it choked me
I couldn't stop thinking about her.
I knew with all my being
I would never love another like her again.
With good reason because
It would be wrong for a person to even vaguely have any likeness to her at all. One wasn't like her, she was someone that once attemping to resemble her; her marvellousness would embody you entirely. To be her, you had to dedicate every facet of your body in that one wish.
I cannot describe how she made me feel.
Only that she always held me, in my mind.
I want her there forever.
And my soul dies even dreaming up the possibility that one day I may forget her.

So that

Tonight I want to know this,
Do you think that it is possible to have one true love?
You know the ones. Do you think that it is possible to love someone so recklessly that,
for the rest of your life you will always mean that moment when you declare to yourself that no one else will do?

( XVIII ) Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift, which is why it's called present

We don't talk anymore
But I think it's something to do with missed trains
Desynced hearts
Dreams and wishes that have drifted,
Oceans apart

As I linger in the shadows
I sense your presence
Our eyes don't even have to meet
This is knowledge,
A moment sufficient
Your mere existence is
Reassuring enough
To know that what we had was true

And if we can play it like this
Mute puppets
Dancing closely to a flame
Let's admire from faraway
Through a window
Of a vessel
As the sunset fades

And maybe
Just
Maybe
Like old dolls
Our hearts may be rewound
So as to spin again once more
In sync
In melody
In harmony
With each other, once more.
But for now.
Knowing we had a moment.
Is, indeed, enough for 1000 more lives to endure
And if it takes that long, perhaps..
Perhaps one day.

( XVII ) I hate love

I LOVE LOVE!

( XVI ) This Villain, Love

The world as we know it is full of zombies, all bound by an invisible, powerful force, and it is up to us, the unscathed civilians to save them. As you may well be aware, in recent years the level of depression has increased as well as divorce rates, not to mention suicide. Who do we blame? Who is this criminal? The culprit of these worldwide statistics? I summon “Love” to the risers. Convicted for this mass trauma and emotional torment I repeat, “Love” is on the loose and we must put a stop to it!

As Michael Ball warned in his song Love Changes Everything; “Love will never never let you be the same.” So we, the noble civilians must take action and intervene before the entire population falls victim to its sly antics. Because when love blinds its victims, it gags and chains them too, locking them away in a tall tower where the victim only sees through rose tinted glass so that all trace of truth and reality become estranged and unknown to them. Sound familiar? Fairytale-like even? Allow me to demonstrate my point.

From the moment our heads emerged into the world, we have been taught how to look, speak, act and dress to impress. Look at how “Love” has managed to sneak its way into our very own family lounge rooms and onto our plasmas. Oh “Love” knows how best to attack the unsuspecting. This is why innocent eyes of young children are prime targets of its inconspicuous acts. The instant they pop out of the womb, infants are put in front of a television where they proceed to become exposed to a disillusioned, sunshine-lollipops-and-rainbows perspective of love. So it comes to no surprise that not an eyelid flickers when little girls spontaneously burst out into song on finding a prince, a hero to come and save them. What has made our eyes so accustomed to this phenomenon? Why has it become acceptable for three year olds to warble about awaiting marriage, as fairytale lyrics similar to Snow White’s Someday My Prince Will Come suggest? Look no further than the likes of Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty and Rapunzel of course! In these fairytales, fundamentally each princess or ‘heroine’ is portrayed as the “Damsel in Distress” as she awaits her “Knight in Shining Armour.” Without fail, he’ll gallop along on his noble white stallion and rescue her with the promise of marriage, a lavish lifestyle and babies to boot! But, alas who comes between them but a witch or an Evil Stepmother? Stop, now think again, just who is the true hero here? The prince and his lady-in-waiting-for-rescuing with distorted vision, blinded by the mask of “Love,” or, the ‘evil’ witch with her countless attempts to intervene and split up the budding courtship? I beg you to re-watch all these movies that entail these characteristics of love, and judge for yourself what is righteous. But who really needs to save them? Parents need the wool pulled off their eyes and ears, look beyond the fact that their child is the next Mariah Carey and listen to what their daughter (or son) is really singing about.

It’s not just girls who are targeted by “Love.” From birth, boys too are gradually cooked like a frog sitting in a pot of cold water over the intensifying heat of a stove. If the frog were placed in boiled water, it’d jump out straight away! So slowly she goes, sedating her targets at a leisurely pace, gradually, so that their vision of love becomes a distorted and foggy one. Take Superman for example. Why is he so “Super”? Oh that’s right, it’s because he teaches boys that they should be strong, masculine and able to save helpless women from the arms of disaster. But it doesn’t stop there. How about his fashion sense? Young boys who idolise this “Superhero” too, turn to their helpless mothers (who have become so heavily drugged up on Love they do not see the impact it imposes upon her offspring) and request for a replica of Supe’s spandex! Luckily, as they grow older they realise that this attire doesn’t particularly turn the heads of feeble women in need of rescuing. Nor does it instantly transform them into a buff, bullet-proof spoof with X-ray vision or the ability to fly –despite their countless efforts, even in their manhood.

I propose that we re-educate our young with wholesome, realistic perspectives of love, whereby both boys and girls are taught how to respect themselves and each other. Integrating how to share, co-operate and care, not to mention a lesson or two in domestic chores and classes for basic cooking, computing and car-tyre changing skills. I mean, look at Nick and Jess. There’s a fine line between stupidity and common sense, but everyone knows that they’d still be together today had Ms Simpson only been able to differentiate chicken from fish. These are the vital skills that lay the foundation to lifelong, lasting relationships. In addition, any form of media that inadequately portrays love such as television programs, movies and books should come with a rating, not dissimilar to that of the warnings for “infrequent coarse language.” A short message as simple as, “Warning: contains unrealistic views of love; bucket may be required,” would best achieve the desired effect and help combat this villain called “Love.”

...

Revived upon finding an old usb, this is my Year 12 English satirical essay. Unedited. Unchanged. Rate it or hate it. 8)

PS: Aural wine? Hollywood by Angus and Julia Stone accompanies quite aptly.

I am not in love. Nor in denial.

You quietly said, beside my covered ear where my hair hung like blinds, “You look really nice tonight.”

My mind imploded

There were so many things that I wanted to say; in the star-covered dark cosmos of my head it was like there were great bricks in orbit with words spray painted in CAPPED heavy black, bashing into each other,colliding,knocking themselves into each other where sprinkles of brick crumbs followed from their impact; falling beneath,

down,

into the infiniteness.

One of the bricks grew larger and larger; it came whooshing to the fore front of my mind’s eye, it said

UNDERSTATEMENT

Nearly fell out of my mouth until I caught it just in time thinking, if I had blurted it out, you would have just looked at me in perplex and bewilderment.

Understatement! For you! It would be a complete understatement if I said that to you; it should be me saying something like that to you, but it would be a complete understatement if I were to say that... To you... COMPENSATE … understatement couldn’t even properly compensate my lack of words, my inability to describe; how you make me breathless, it’s not even so much “how nice you look on the outside”… LOOK at you.

But I never said it.

You’re just being KIND in your way not knowing how ALIEN I feel with these tall legs, thin waists, small faces and long hair.

But none of me mattered when I was lost up, being shaken up by you.

Hearing those turning and genuine tones of your voice again. It made the stars in my mind fall from the black sky in tragic drops of abandonment.

But I never said that either.

I’ve missed you so much.

But I knew that was something I definitely shouldn’t say.

So I threw you a look of my eyes that made up the half of the half-hearted laugh I gave you; sort of shaking my head in a DERANGED twist, I must have looked so mad then.

I couldn’t even look at your eyes for any of that time, I didn’t dare to, I couldn’t when I tried; they always and completely DISARMED me.

So I turned and walked away as the bricks started dematerializing themselves so that there was nothing once again.

Later that night I couldn’t sleep. I was tossed in and out of horrible dreams, mundane dreams, and strange dreams.

I awoke the next morning; arm numbed from being twisted underneath me and blankets everywhere.

I hated that you didn’t exist in real life where I wanted you to (for the better), but you were soaked in my subconscious, exactly where I didn’t want you to be (for my worse.)

Is this what they mean by love?

They preach it with outrageously delightful and "empathetic" smiles: Love is! Mental incapacitation and sensual possession; oh, isn't it absolutely delightful?

Just as it is me to do so, I’ll look at them that way;

Are you all utterly insane?

Love is a conscious decision. Love is certain feelings.

It isn't this.

(XIV) Untitled #3

I wake up at 5.30 in the morning, for some reason, I reward myself with beautiful hot coffee. Sitting down outside in the cold wintry morning, breathing in the icy atmosphere. I hold my novel against my lap, allowing my brain to subconsiously absorb the impossibilities of a fantasy novel. The sun barely rises, however the clouds roll in, shades of grey up above where the dryness of the trees sway back and forth to the chill of the weather. I wonder aimlessly out of the house, walking for hours and hours. An endless road. I stop at some traffic lights, gazing out at the people before me. The world is in motion, even if every organ in my body has stopped working. Everything continues to move, the cars continue to drive, people talk, children run freely, crimes don't stop...the list goes on. The world does not stop for you.

With six billion people in the world, you're only looking for one person. That one person being your best friend, your soulmate, your lover, and your life. All of a sudden, the world doesn't matter anymore. What matters is you, and your special person for life. All of the sudden, the world truly does stop, and the only two people who seem to be living are you and your person. Two lovers roaming the world, carelessly, mindlessly, subconsciously falling deeper and deeper in love. The sun suddenly shines twice as bright, grass twice as green, and the sky, twice as blue. You no longer wake up alone, you now wake up to the breathing of another human being entangled within your body and mind. You now sit outside, no longer reading alone, but talking to them, sipping the hot coffee. It's not as cold anymore, because the aura of their's is as warm as the strong rays of the sun. Because that's how love is for me. That and so much more...

( XIII ) Are we just friends, what are you saying?

Ahh, that trivial, fine line between 'lovers' and 'friends'.

"Love is a friendship on fire"
Jeremy Taylor

It's certainly a foundation for a great relationship. But how about in reverse? Is it really possible for lovers to resume a friendship once the romance has ceased?

If two past lovers can remain friends, its either they are still in love, or never were.

It's a curious thing... And a relationship-specific issue, or situation if you will.

Obviously if it's better for both to be apart, then that's how it should be. But then, what about those who want to remain friends? Why let a breakup ruin a perfectly fine friendship, right?

It can't be that hard!

Actually from my own experience, yes... yes it has been. With respect to the knowledge that these developments cannot be rushed but come with time, it has been an arduous, gradual progression.

I still feel like I've lost my best friend sometimes. He's closed now, harder to break into... We assume and accuse and scrutinize. Maybe 'cos we broke each others hearts. You can't help but search for the one you thought you once knew so well. He's hidden now, but not completely invisible to my eyes. We know each other better but these games we play just frustrate and disappoint. These masks don't fool anyone.

He still tells me he loves me. And as much as I want to believe it, the gut in me knows it can't be true. He's a charmer, but it's ever-synonymous with that word, deceit. He's Katy Perry's Hot n' Cold in a nutshell... One minute he'll tell me he likes someone else, the next he's calling me obscenities, then covers himself up and tries to play the L-word card. Once upon a time this would illicit some kind of reaction, a gentle wind fanning upon my post-relationship embers. And I'd fall for it. Willing and ready to forgive, to love again... But I couldn't keep this act up on myself. He hadn't changed. So why should I even entertain the prospect of us reuniting, if only to have my heart broken by the same reasons I initially left. Now, I take it with a grain of salt, shrug it off and laugh. I won't take him seriously, I can't! Until he gives me something more substantial than words. Legitimate action to echo and affirm his claims, declarations. To the aforementioned, he verbally protests...yet his actions only reiterate the concept that love IS just a game, for him.

They say trust is like a vase: once broken, it can be repaired, but it'll never be the same again.

( XII ) The Fairytales

Fairytales are real!
Love is real!
Evil witches are real!
we just need to believe...

When we are young we often hear the stories of adventure,
princes, princesses, villains, fear, happiness and love. The
first fairytales we heard played with our emotions, pulled us
in with it magic and whisked us away with its imagination. The
surreal kingdom far far away, the physically perfect and
spiritually kind princesses, the flawless prince charming and
the intimate and exponential love that they shared.

People say that the exaggerations in these tales are to be
"truer to a child's perception of life than realistic stories"
and that they create a false reality. They criticize that these
events are all make believe and create expectations that can
never be achieved. My thoughts differ.

People often preach to the juveniles and the adolescent that
they should grow up. These people expect a level of maturity in
ourselves[1] that is able to establish between the very blurred
line of reality and imagination. These sadistically stiff
subordinates of the witches and Rumpelstiltskin are the
wretched scum of darkness whom attempt to reach into our minds,
souls, and hearts and exterminate our own dreams and crush our
every hope. They try all so hard to convince us to devour this
deliciously devilishness delight of an apple and poison our
inner child

Every love is a fairytale waiting to be written...

we're just dulled to what love is, the negativeness of life
has clouded our true vision

Why do you love them?
this question is as stupid and as meaningless as taking a
shower with mud. The reasons you love someone cannot be simply
expressed in worlds but rather interpretive dance! Obviously
the positive qualities that everyone else can see and feel
play a big role, but the thing that makes them special to you
is not describable in detail. Simply, its just because.


you need to believe in happily ever after
I like to think that the fairytales didn't get it wrong and
that happily ever after is the way every relationship is
suppose to end. In this world we live doubt and unrest strives
and feeds on our fears and unlimited hypotheticals. Why are we
so intrigued by these negatives? Our lives need to be performed
with the crescendo'd positives accented and the negatives played
in pianissimo possibile. The simple things that the ones you love do
should linger in your mind and make you smile, whilst the evils
cast aside, not forgotten but forgiven.

One of my friends hates this idea of forgiveness and
continuously argues with me on the topic of what you should
forgive and what is the point of always forgiving. I think she is silly.

Like the forever youthful hero Peter Pan, let us never grow up.
[Random Fact: Peter pan was originally written as a novel for
adults] Well honestly we should, but not the entirety of us
needs to. Listen to that thimble sized person inside of us that
tell us to just do something cause you can.
Believe in the fairytales.
Believe in the magical and slightly far fetched.
Believe in true love.
Believe in happily ever after.

...if you don't believe, then how would you know if you were in one?
(also, every time someone doesn't believe in true love/fairytales, one dies....)




1. yes, i am a adolescent delinquent and proud of it

( XI )- Farewell

Black is my colour of choice because I'm a skeptic. I'm not quite sure what love is. Sure it's something that I believe can happen over time, but it's been far too long since I've experienced it. Sure, there have been heaps of girls in my life over the last 10 years, but you wanna know why I'm not with any of them? I'll tell you why, because I was never in love with them. So guess what! I'm gonna give you guys an insight as to why I'm such a grumpy, standoffish, arrogant & jaded piece of crap.

Let me tell you a tale, this is one that I've mainly kept to myself.

1999 - I was 13 years old, I'd just started Grade 8 at Brisbane State High, was a non-asian who could do all the supers in KOF '99 as well as play DDR...being such a furious weaboo, it was only inevitable that I'd joined the Brisbane Anime Society.

That was where I met Miyuki. 16 years old, very short, very beautiful.

I knew very little about her, but we hung out a lot during screenings of Evangelion and Ruroni Kenshi, and we'd cop a bit of shit for talking during said screenings @ QUT's S-Block. To this day I still don't like stepping into that place. After hardcore sessions of anime we would head over to Replay and stay on the DDR machine for hours, as we were both sweating like pigs it didn't matter to us how we smelled. I ended up wagging school a lot just to meet up with her, then we ended up hanging out at her homestay family's place over at Runcorn a lot...and over a few months we became a lot closer, I'm not really the kind of guy who kissess and tells, but Miyuki was my first everything.


So do you guys want to see where I come crashing down? Fine.


I don't hear from her for a few weeks, no emails, no calls & didn't see her at BAS anymore, was a little bit concerned so I called up her homestay family, her father heard about us so he made her come back. That's the story I was given anyway...I hear no hide or hair of her until grade 12, where I got an email from her...her english had gotten better, and she was married with children to the boyfriend she had back in Japan...


I got fucking played.


By then I was running with a pretty bad crowd so rage was in no short supply for me, nor was rum and weed...I wish I'd made better decisions while I was a kid, but I don't regret where I am now as a result of those decisions, I've led a good life so far.

Do you know what hurt me the most though? I never got to say goodbye. I distinctly remember that was when I cracked open my first drink and never looked back...although I could've picked a better beer...XXXX Gold is atrocious, haha! Alcohol dulls the pain, but until very recently I've learned that it's only a temporary escape, and that I'm no good to anyone if I can't be good to myself. This is why, as my duty as a man, I need to put and end to this turmoil in my mind, body & soul. This is where it begins...with a farewell.

Sayonara Miyu-Chan.

Love is being able to say goodbye.

- Charlie

( X ) My Two Cents.

Previously, In Jeffree's One Love, he posts:

I also believe that in one life there can only be one love and one death.
But was that love?
This is my problem.
What's yours?

True, there is ultimately only one life and one death, but, love can't be singular in my opinion. Of course, you can luck out the first time and find the girl of your dreams starting as your high school sweet heart, but, unfortunately, life isn't that generous, and anything that is worth having doesn't come easily.

I've had several girlfriends over the years, and since the first one, I have loved each of them with all my heart. However, this isn't to say that I've loved them all equally, because, I'm not the same person as I was back then. You can't compare previous partners because they are different people. It is only fair that you get into new relationships with as little baggage as you can, so you can love them with ALL your heart.

It's probably why I've suffered immense heart-ache after every breakup. The best thing to do is to dust yourself off, reflect on why it didn't work, better yourself and Get Ready For The Next Battle.

Love is a two player game, perhaps you were only playing against CPU that time, imagine how fun it will be when you find a worthy opponent. It's a bad analogy, that Love is a game, but, I think you get the point.

( IX ) One Love?

Of all the things in life that we accomplish on a daily basis or on a long term trajectory, whether it is as important as a meaningful life goal or being able to CC (crouch cancel) on tekken [I still can't *sadface*], some of us sometimes spend time to reflect on these things. To critically assess, analysis and improve or fix the process or situation. Sometimes, we choose not to and sometimes the stress builds up. Then crack... s**t hits the fan.


I am at one of those points again in my life. I prefer to not let the whole world know every single detail of my pathway through this "over-rated and profitable word", not cause it's long and tedious, not cause I found those parts embarrassing, but more so I rather hit the point and get this pathetic outburst over and done with.


When Jon invited me to join the list of people to manage this blog and I gladly accepted with happy intentions to reflect on a positive note, cause I thought I could learn from others and I like the colour green as you see. However, truth be told, I don't think I can be positive about adolescents anymore. Even though green symbolised peace and crap that's environmentally friendly, I don't think this blog will be positive at all.

Random Note: I am a hypocritcal douchebag. I am in my last year of teens. Excuse my fail.


==================================================================


Love for me, was never defined properly or probably defined to much? We all have our own definitions, but I thought it was a "universal language"... At least that's what everyone keeps telling me. Friends say they love me and I say it back to them too, but I never truly thought they ever meant it at all. Maybe it was cause it was my insecurities or maybe I just never trusted anyone in my life, in relation to the L word. Then again, that word seems to be thrown down and around like a salting your food.

I never knew what it was like to define my own, because mine, was just an unknown.

My story started in high school, as most teenagers seem to have these days. Stories...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Open day.

My mum points to a girl across the court: "Go talk to her!"

"I rather not mum... what are you crazy?"

Thought I was safe from mum trying to make me talk to girls on that comical day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We ended up in the same class.

And became friends.

A friend indeed, with her tips in maths and conversations about intense HK dramas during lunch.

The only girl who sat next to me, for when I wasn't popular, sociable, or even as open as I am now.

Funnily enough, I came to like her over that year eight of mine.

Of all the peers, I gradually made friends with over my secondary years, J was one of the few people, who could connect to me, on a certain level that no one could. She gave me a sense of acceptance that only I could tell that was completely genuine. Even my flaws, were things that she deemed to be bad habits or otherwise changeable or minor bumps in ones' personality.

What was weird to me, is that I don't even know her that well, compared to me knowing "alot" about my "friends" nowadays, and her deepest secrets, I know...

None... but I understood since I was a scorpio too. It looks like as if I was trying to pry into her life, but realistically I thought, telling one's own darkest truths, warranted the respect at least to shed some light onto her life, as a "friend". Also, being a scorpio, we tend to delve into the darkness to find treasures or even monsters, just to see or just to know about.

But she. I don't know. She was basically a puzzle to me over the years, a 1000 piece puzzle, missing a few hundred, prior to opening the package.

I asked her out three times, in total, over the six years. I changed to my true self, which was similiar to me now, the second time. Rigged and always in control she was, no matter how hard I tried to manipulate her mind this time, she was always strong and didn't let me in.

I changed back. I tried to part ways as friends which a gradution/friendship gift. She didn't accept.

The last time, I asked her, was the most futile, most obtuse angle of my life. I spanned myself so far, on the edge of my utmost boundaries, just to seek something I could never have.

She never answered the phone.

Just like most emotional teenager's nowadays, sliding into the university lifestyle, being accepted by peers, coping with lame chinese restaurant work, the stress and emotions, got to me.

I attempted suicide.

Of all the things, one could do, I always tried to do better, but this wasn't it. I was scared, actually petrified at the idea of feeling unimaginable pain, if my contraption failed.

It failed. Luckily enough, He was on my side and was always looking out for me.

I became Christian.

Another two years passed.

Life for me started. For real this time. For cereal~

Changes occurred. From friend-whore to a friendly Ho over these 2 years.

This year topped them all. 2010

A friend ~ R asked me, in May, "What happened?"

"What?" I questioned.

"You've changed so much since, January."

"You can see?"

I realised that only my brothers and sisters saw these changes. Not just me deciding to stop gaming hardcore or clubbing forever for that matter, but more so the internal and characteristic changes within my individuality as a bro. I said brothers and sisters before, because I find the term, friend insufficient. Certain "friends" of mine have corrupted the definition of "friend" to me and so I switched to using familial terms. Just like many other asians. Stereotypes... pffft.

"Love" filled the cracks of all the giant rocks and minerals that gradually filled my jar of 6 months this year. All around me, just like Mr. Pancake [Jon], I saw love around me too.

Or what many people deemed to be love, apparently.

Over the months it was quite amusing playing cupid, and advising friends in common procedural sense, in handling relationships , since I just experienced my first relationship only three weeks ago.

Like Vlad, one of my soulmates, I give my "friends" my all. Even in relationships, since they start off being "friends" right? Ha~
Being my first relationship, I had to make sure if she was the one, what set her apart from everyone else, but we went too fast and things began to cycle into the "honeymoon period". As some of my companions tell me. This was something quite distressing, not only did I realised how hypocritical I was, in terms of giving relationship advice, when crazy people ask me; for me to not implement them in real life, is quite fail. Another thing that stopped me was because I found out a hidden truth.

In everything I do now, I do it for the love of God. Over the years, many have helped me and I have come to known this love. This fatherly love cannot be rivaled any other. Especially this addicting, lustful and unfaithful feeling we all seem to feel at some point and let loose havoc on our lives.

You readers maybe feel the toll of my negative tone towards this powerful mood, but don't be peturbed from searching your own, it's just me, not you.

Eight years, I took to realise that I never got over J.


My skills in denial were even greater than my skills at attracting the ladies, nah I'm only joking, more like better than me trying to be lame~ lol

I never got over J, because I never truly knew why she rejected me.

I also believe that in one life there can only be one love and one death.

But was that love?

This is my problem.


What's yours?

( VIII ) untitled #2

Love is dreaming. It’s hoping, wishing and achieving. Love is taking risks, regardless of the outcome. It’s allowing yourself and your love a second chance. Love is crossing those high mountains. It’s swimming those seven seas. Love is trying over and over again. It’s striving for those people worth striving for. Love is waiting by the phone for them to call. It’s talking to them for hours on end without getting bored. Love is feeling secure and protected when around them. It’s wrapping yourself in their arms and falling asleep. Love is spending every hour, every minute and every second you possibly can with them. It’s making sure you see their smile and hear their laughter every moment you share together.Love is staying up till the late hours of the night, waiting for each other to fall asleep on the phone. It’s reading them a bedtime story, or singing them a lullaby to sleep. Love is understanding one another, and sorting out problems together. It’s knowing when one is upset almost instantly. Love is knowing the little irrelevant and unnecessary details about each other. It’s being able to blabber on for hours about absolutely nothing. Love is seeing the smile on their face and automatically smiling yourself. It’s trying everything you can to make them laugh when they’re crying. Love is listening to that song over and over again, thinking of them. It’s constantly having them on your mind without even trying. Love is capturing every moment with them, even when you know, things are going to end. It’s making every second worth while. Love is accepting their imperfections and not wanting to change them. It’s loving them for who they are, not what they are. Love is a universal language, I hope you understand where I’m coming from. It’s missing and loving you every second of every day…

( VII ) Love

Love. Whether it be real, imaginary or a delusion concocted by the deepest areas of our mind & heart. It will last longer than any of us.

Not all love is a fairytale story, which I'm sure all of you know already. But love doesn't work the way Walt Disney & Hollywood depicted in their productions. The idea that Love works without drama and pain is ridiculous. Just saying...

Now that, that is out of the way & we're all clear on that (lol) I can move on.


My most intense cross with Love was with a beautiful girl named Jean. Who I still love to this day, almost 2 years since we broke up. Never in my life have I felt so strong for someone. I admit I did get a little too comfortable and took her for granted, which I still will never forgive myself for (I recommend no one do that in their relationship by the way.. thank me later).

After dating for a year and gaining the happiest moments of my life from a person I've known for only such a short time, there is no doubt in my mind that she is the one for me. For instance.. I thought this a long time ago, when i decided that I wanted her to be mine for the rest of my life. I bought a ring, and planned on proposing in Sydney on our one year anniversary. However, with Jean attending uni Full-Time and myself working a lot it made it hard to see one another for such long periods of time, like when we first started dating. So this created a small bit of tension. Not to mention my Ex girlfriend, Sally trying to intervene, due to her now Ex Adam breaking up with her before Valentines day, and if she couldn't be happy on that day, then neither could I (Sally is one of the most selfish people I have ever had the displeasure of meeting).

So back to Sydney. Jean and I were out, I had planned to ask her to marry me in China Town in front of the teddy bear store (Jean loves all the cute toys) plus the store had Link dolls. (we're both obsessed with Zelda). So it would have been perfect, cause the Link doll had his hands holding a toy sword, so I was going to replace the sword with the ring, and just hold up the toy. But we didn't get around to any of this.

Due to Sally, unwanted time apart & frustration, we skipped dinner, ordered in, then headed out to go dancing. (Mind you we had been to Taronga Zoo earlier that day, and I have trouble dealing with being in the sun for too long) so I was quite dehydrated, drinking beer wasn't helping.. So I couldn't dance, and Jean Loves to dance. So me saying "No, I can't move and I feel sick" was, in a sense, breaking her heart, and the cherry on the cake.. That had just been stepped on and squashed.

After this, I found someone for her to dance with. Yeah, i let her dance with another guy to make her happy.. What the fuck right? "Love makes you do crazy things" never have I been a more fitting situation that fits that quote. We ended up leaving and going back to the hotel. She's never seen the ring. We ended up breaking up a week or two after we got back from Sydney, Due to Sally putting the knife through the squished cake and touching the bottom with the knife. Basically, the pieces were totally separated.

Sally had hacked into my Myspace account and added herself to my Myspace and added Jean to her Myspace, then from my account, sent a comment to Sally's Myspace saying "when are we having our valentines? ^_^" knowing that she had Jean on her Myspace and that she would see it. This was the last straw for Jean. This night I will never forget.

I called my best mate Tim, crying like I did when my mother had passed away, cause the loss felt just as identical. Telling him what had just happened. He was as shocked as I was when I got to her house and listened to what Jean had to say.

I cried for a whole 2 days and didn't leave my room. Didn't answer my phone, didn't go on the internet. I was a complete socially deaf individual. It took a whole year or more before Jean and I could talk without me being a complete douche and telling her how i loved her still etc.. These days, we're friends again and hang out from time to time. Which honestly are the highlights from this year so far, and I hope to have more of them soon.

Conclusion? Don't take your partners for granted, don't put up with something that bothers you about them, talk about things, be open (with limitations to your comfortable layers) and finally just take it as it comes. Love is a powerful sense/feeling/emotion that can overrule so many of us. Don't under estimate the power of love, ever. Not sure who said that quote originally, but they obvious knew what they were talking about.

I hope this has been somewhat interesting to read, as it has been for me to write. I hope it all makes sense, as I haven't stopped to double check anything.. This just flowed out of my mind through my finger tips.

Thanks for reading, reader.

( VI ) untitled #1

So before I wanted to contribute to Colours of Love I wanted to just warn you guys, my entries may be a bit depressing and sad…I just it's just the way I'm feeling at the moment, but i still hope you guys enjoy reading it. I will add some happy ones :) Comment if you wish, constructive criticism are all welcome.

Why is the only essential thing in life so hard to find? Why must it be so difficult to find that one person that will exceed all your needs in every emotional, social, and physical way? And even when you do find that one person, why is it so hard to keep them? It's all so hard, everything to do with love is hard. Hard to find and hard to keep. I'm in love. i have been for the very first time, and I've been in love for over a year. I've never stopped loving my special person. he put me on a high dose of love. I'm a heroin addict, attempting to go cold turkey, but I can't. It's almost impossible. I know I've said it before, nothings impossible, but falling out of love with the most perfect person that has entered my life is impossible. When I laugh, when I smile, it's all for him. When I cry, when I frown it's all because of him. But I don't mind. It's all apart of love. Some people say it's just high school love. They don't understand that there is no such thing as "high school love," I think what they're referring to is lust. This is no lust. You may be reading and thinking how naive and innocent is this teenage girl. I guess it's alright to think that, but think again. When being in love, the happiness you feel, the pain you experience; well there are no limits. It can reach sky high, and that's where I've been when everything was perfect. But when things dropped, my heart, my body, and my soul mindlessly drifted through hell. Stabbing pain through my chest. That feeling when you cry, the feeling of the deep sinking in the pit of your stomach, and the dry-swallowed feeling of a pill stuck in your throat. Why? Why must us living organisms feel such emotions? Why must we suffer and cry endless nights, inflict pain upon ourselves to relieve stress? Because in the end…we know it's all worth it. It's worth every tear drop that falls from our red eyes, it's worth every sleepless night, worth every love song that makes us think of them, worth every minute that has been contributed to the thought of them. It's worth it. Don't you agree? I think so. Because I still love you...

( V ) Just Me .

Dear: Reader,

   Throughout this blog, you are sure to read the positives & the negatives of love, each of our thoughts, each of our attempts at expressing our innermost feelings . Each of us will attempt to put what we feel, here (please point to where your heart is), onto here . Some are joyous, smile-inducing, &uplifting. However, others may be tear-jerking, painful &disheartening. But, whatever they turn out to be they will, I hope, be honest, sometimes brutally so. Honest to the extent there is a twinge of recognition through your own experiences. 

   My point ? My posts will be my attempt to convey my honest feelings and opinions on this topic of love at the time. Sometimes, they may be overwhelmingly , pathetically depressing. Sometimes they may be neutral. Sometimes, I hope, they may be the joyous, smile-inducing posts I mentioned before.

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renaface; post #1

Hmmm, everyone's interpretation of love is different which make things much more interesting . I look up to XXX, &his outlook on love . Yes, YOU, xxx! He's willing to have his heart broken again &again , to find this one girl. According to my calculations .. each time , he'll give everything his all. I admire his persistence, his ability to try again.. 

 don't want to mention names, just in case .

I wish.. I could be strong like that . To get back up. I ASPIRE TO BE LIKE YOU ! 

I find it hard to ever see me loving, trusting anyone again . I bet you're thinking .. oh, you young naive little girl. Yup, I think so too. But I can't change what I feel right now. 

Oh, quick story: once upon a time there was this girl who found herself glancing at this one guy more than usual. they started talking more &more often, until one day; he told her he liked her ! she was really happy; &they ended up dating. the relationship was quite rocky, then one day; he just stopped talking to her. about a week later; it was over.. the reason he gave ?  i never liked you. i just felt sorry for you. 

Someone once told me to never give up on love, regardless of what has happened .

But what if what you thought was real , was really just an illusion ?

What's to say the next time isn't all just a lie ?

I challenge any one of you , also on this blog to give me a substantial list of reasons to love.

Not only would they be interesting to read, but they would be much appreciated , I wouldn't quite mind getting 'owned' :)

s  e  r  e  n  a   ♥

( IV ) My Colour

I thought it would be interesting to join a group blog that 'specialized' in Love, but didn't know it would be this difficult to write something meaningful about Love without going all mushy or jaded.

At this point in time, we are all in different stages of Love. Jon is lost and in love with Love, Vlad is inviting one and all into his ample man bosom, and this Miriam girl that I haven't even met before seems like she can't seem to make up her mind about Love.

For me, the first thing that comes to mind when I think about Love is an image of a girl. Friendship, family and comradery come closely after. I guess this comes with two and a half decades of being brought up with romance movies, pop music and certain anime series that I'd rather not divulge... Yes, I am a girly man, but also a very manly man when I have to be. On the whole, I guess you could say that I have a very positive outlook on Love.

Whoever came up with the title "Colours of Love" was pretty clever. We all have different colours, which probably represent different things. I chose Orange as my colour because it was my favourite colour. Looking into it a bit further, Orange is a combination of Red (the colour of Love) and Yellow (the colour for Joy). The background theme is also pretty well thought out, it fades from Yellow into Red. It's a pretty good representation of my view of Love. We start off Yellow. Happy. Fade into Orange, optimistic and enthusiastic. Meet the girl and fall in love with her and finally fade into Red. Sweet sweet Love. Sometimes, you get knocked back a few colours and you fade into the Greys, where you are unsure of where you stand.

Of course, I could be over thinking it, and all the colour scheming could be just a coincidence. But, I'm still Orange, hoping to be Red some day.

So... Who is brave enough to choose Red as their colour? :P

-Tom

( III ) Cos' I got High, cos' I got High, cos' I got Highhh

Love.

The worst substance of them all.

It's a wonder why this mood altering, head spinning, nauseating and at its height, even suicide inducing drug is so damn available. And legal. Age? Sex? Race? There’s no criteria. Everyone and anyone are eligible.

What is it about Love that makes it so highly coveted?

As it is with most drugs, it only leaves users wanting more just after one little whiff. But, that’s all it takes.
One fatal whiff, you’re bit, smit', there’s no turning back baby.
You’ve had the taste. Now you’ll only ever want more.

Addictive.
It'll ruin you to your core.
Don't try running away either.
Oh, no -it's impossible to escape it.

If it’s not too late, be forewarned of its affects. They’ll be like no other you have –or ever will, encounter.

Vulnerability is one such consequence. Most will find that their innermost, deepest darkest fears, dreams and life longings will no longer be a secret once the affect of Love takes full flight.

This only leads to the loss of one’s individuality. No longer will you be capable of thinking of yourself as “me”, “myself” or “I”, but rather, disgusting words of implied unity and bonding such as “we” and “us” will replace and overtake your vocabulary.

Take heed.

You will lose all capability of making decisions with any sort of sense or logic.
You'll find you're overcome with an impulsive, spontaneous spring.
And perhaps attempt to pass it off with an excuse along the lines of “being in love”.

Be warned.

It can cause the consumer to lose sight, hearing and impair logical thinking.
In severe cases, it's been reported that sleepless nights, loss of appetite, contemplations of suicide have Love to blame. Let Shakespeare’s works of foolish Romeo and Juliet and Cleopatra and Antony serve as a classical reminder to you!

Withdrawal symptoms can include, but are certainly not restricted to, bed confinement, and heavy douses of loneliness and self pity. For some, (in this case women especially) tissues, chocolates, icecream and a bottle will become your most loyal bedside companions. Though it should be noted that these substances are no substitute for the Hard Stuff they call "Love."

And the best worst thing is that it's not illicit and one-hundred-percent free.

Be your own Dealer today.