I am not in love. Nor in denial.

You quietly said, beside my covered ear where my hair hung like blinds, “You look really nice tonight.”

My mind imploded

There were so many things that I wanted to say; in the star-covered dark cosmos of my head it was like there were great bricks in orbit with words spray painted in CAPPED heavy black, bashing into each other,colliding,knocking themselves into each other where sprinkles of brick crumbs followed from their impact; falling beneath,

down,

into the infiniteness.

One of the bricks grew larger and larger; it came whooshing to the fore front of my mind’s eye, it said

UNDERSTATEMENT

Nearly fell out of my mouth until I caught it just in time thinking, if I had blurted it out, you would have just looked at me in perplex and bewilderment.

Understatement! For you! It would be a complete understatement if I said that to you; it should be me saying something like that to you, but it would be a complete understatement if I were to say that... To you... COMPENSATE … understatement couldn’t even properly compensate my lack of words, my inability to describe; how you make me breathless, it’s not even so much “how nice you look on the outside”… LOOK at you.

But I never said it.

You’re just being KIND in your way not knowing how ALIEN I feel with these tall legs, thin waists, small faces and long hair.

But none of me mattered when I was lost up, being shaken up by you.

Hearing those turning and genuine tones of your voice again. It made the stars in my mind fall from the black sky in tragic drops of abandonment.

But I never said that either.

I’ve missed you so much.

But I knew that was something I definitely shouldn’t say.

So I threw you a look of my eyes that made up the half of the half-hearted laugh I gave you; sort of shaking my head in a DERANGED twist, I must have looked so mad then.

I couldn’t even look at your eyes for any of that time, I didn’t dare to, I couldn’t when I tried; they always and completely DISARMED me.

So I turned and walked away as the bricks started dematerializing themselves so that there was nothing once again.

Later that night I couldn’t sleep. I was tossed in and out of horrible dreams, mundane dreams, and strange dreams.

I awoke the next morning; arm numbed from being twisted underneath me and blankets everywhere.

I hated that you didn’t exist in real life where I wanted you to (for the better), but you were soaked in my subconscious, exactly where I didn’t want you to be (for my worse.)

Is this what they mean by love?

They preach it with outrageously delightful and "empathetic" smiles: Love is! Mental incapacitation and sensual possession; oh, isn't it absolutely delightful?

Just as it is me to do so, I’ll look at them that way;

Are you all utterly insane?

Love is a conscious decision. Love is certain feelings.

It isn't this.